When a child is "throwing a fit": When a child is "having a meltdown": When a child is "attention seeking": When a child "refuses":
When a child "has an attitude"
A Parent can say:
"You seem to be having a hard time, I wonder how I can help." "It looks like you're having some big feelings, I wonder what I can do for you." "Its a real struggle today, I'd like to help you feel better if I can". "You're having a rough go of it, I wonder what we can do to make it better".
Instead of "stop that".
Instead of "knock it off".
Instead of "what's your problem?".
Behavior is language and your child is struggling to manage emotions or communicate thoughts and feelings effectively.
Telling them anything other than you see they are struggling and want to help is basically saying "shut up", I'm not interested in hearing what you're saying" or "you're not worth my time". It may not be exactly what they hear, but the feeling is the same.
Correcting the behavior means you are going to make the effort to connect and teach, you're going to regulate your own feelings of frustration and anger. Note I say regulate your own feelings-not shove them away or stuff them down. You need to acknowledge them, accept them, deal with them and THEN assist your child do the same. If you can't, trying to get your child to will be impossible.
Being able to identify what triggers an emotional response in you is a great first step in self-regulation. You could even make a list of these triggers and assign a healthy way to respond in each situation.
Practice controlled breathing. Take a deep inhale through your nose, pause at the top, before releasing a slow exhale through your mouth as long as you possibly can. Repeat 3-4 times or more as needed. Over time, see how long you can get the exhale to be.
When unhelpful or negative thoughts enter your mind, acknowledge them, then move on. Think of it as changing your thought pattern. Search for a positive re-frame you can take on the situation.
Think before acting. This involves taking a pause between your feelings and an action. Feel your feelings and name them. Are you angry, frustrated? Once you can name the feeling, you can tame it. This will help you access the thinking part of your brain. Ask yourself: Could there be any negative consequences to my action or reaction?
See if you can find the humor in the situation. Messes can be really funny.
Spend some time thinking about what happens in your body when you start to feel upset. Does your heart pound faster or your stomach churn? What helps you notice those feelings and remain calm? There are as many techniques as there are parents, so it is important that you have a “go to” strategy or two.
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