Lying is the one issue that drives us all crazy. Is it confabulation (when the brain can't arrive at an accurate response so it fills in the blanks? Is it a protective mechanism for a trauma formed brain? Has it become part of the "fake it till you make it" mindset and culture?
Lying is not always lying. Traumatized and brain injured (trauma, prenatal alcohol and drug exposure) children struggle with spoken language and memory recall. They do not fully understand context (this is why punishment, especially corporal punishment DOES NOT WORK). Memories can overlap and mesh. Children with injured brains have thinking errors. They are missing critical parts of language, learning, logic, listening and social behaviors. FASDs, trauma and neglect change the chemical structure of the brain and functional areas. Social attachment is a neuropsychological function of the limbic system and it requires effective biochemistry functions for regulation and perception. Above all is the concept of felt safety. Safety can be rationalized, but if it is not felt in the nervous system, all the rationalization is pointless, and they cannot allow themselves to be vulnerable enough to feel a healthy connection with the parent. The point? Its all about the brain and no amount of punishment, consequences or rewards is going to provide the necessary rewiring these children need. Time in. Redirection. Pick battles. Co regulation. Make observational statements instead. Say “you’re safe” more than “I love you” because I love you is an abstract construct to someone who doesn’t feel safe first. Stop asking questions. Recognize that in a child with trauma there are more important issues and until their felt safety is addressed, not much else can be resolved.
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